it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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