WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
