I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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