when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
