I just saw a hot homeless man
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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