does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
