ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
