I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
