Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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