My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
