I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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