Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
