The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
