So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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