Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
