I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
