My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
