My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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