Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
