You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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