remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
