So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If its not for food we ain't going out.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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