Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
