Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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