What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
