sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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