You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
