And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
