That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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