The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
