why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
