my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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