good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i love accidental penises.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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