you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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