I love black thongs
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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