I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
