69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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