Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
