My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
