cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just had sex bonerless
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
