ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
