Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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