Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
