I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
