ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
