the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
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All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
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In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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