smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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