Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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