I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
