I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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