Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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