let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
