who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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