If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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