wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My breasts were aching with rage.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
