i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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