I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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