So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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