she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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